Cooperative vs. Competitive communication
What’s more important; being right, or the long term health of the relationship? I asked my son Max this question a few days ago. Max is 10 and he was not happy about going to piano lessons. He was yelling his arguments about why he shouldn’t go and I asked him if he wanted to have a cooperative conversation or a competitive conversation. I think it was the oddness of the question that stopped him from yelling. “What are you talking about” he said. “Well you see Max, if you are interested in us having a good relationship in the long run, we need to cooperate and figure this situation out. If you don’t care about our relationship and just want to be right, we can have a competitive conversation where we each try to prove we are right. So, the question comes down to this: is the idea of you being right more important that the idea of us having a good relationship?”
Tags: being right, communication, competition, relationship
Sep 28, 2010
This is a very bold question. Many times when people get into a conversation, it turns into a competition and ends up in a fight through words. I have personally done this but I believe that it is alot better to have cooperative communication. Not only can you settle a problem easily if both people are working together, it helps with the health of the relationship whether it be your girlfriend/boyfriend, best friend, coach, etc. People are always going to believe their side of whatever subject they are talking about and there is some cases you will have different beliefs than the other person. Instead of getting into an arguement, cooperate with the person and try and meet somewhere in the middle. I believe if this takes place, you will build on your relationships which is key.
Sep 29, 2010
A lot of times I have tried to step back from an argument and calm myself before I respond rationally without trying to be better than the other person. Am I successful?! Not always. There are some moments in the heat of the argument, my emotions would flare up and the next thing you know I am babbling about things to just put the other person down. And then eventually, I will realize that what I have said is too much and perhaps just not right. During those times where I can actually hold myself back from non-stop proving that I am right, I would ask the other person to just hold it and just really what are we trying to do? I learned that with a non-threatening way, people wont feel obligated to try to fight or argue back. Instead, we can successfully talk things over and sort it out to see each other’s differences. Based on my experience on how I have been successful in keeping a relationship, stepping back, listening, understanding, and trying to get on the same level has always been the best way to keep things running. It may not be easy but when you realize that you made a mistake, there’s nothing wrong in admitting you were wrong.
Sep 29, 2010
Sometimes people’s pride tends to overwhelm everything else going on in their lives. The people arguing don’t notice what’s going on, they just want to prove their point. It was a very good question, cooperation vs competition, and I think that more arguments could be handled better if everyone thought about what they wanted first. I know with certain people, I really care about the long-term relationship, which is probably why we’re arguing in the first place, but I also can recall some arguments with people I really don’t care about at all, so in that case I’d just want to be right. I think in the future, as long as the moment isn’t too heated, I’ll probably think about this when an argument is started.
Sep 29, 2010
How do you ever know who is really right? What is right to one person may not feel right to the next person. Cooperative communication allows there to be compromise which I think in turn builds confidence and trust in the relationship.
Sep 29, 2010
I never really looked at argueing this way before but it is true, competition will wear on a relationship until it’s gone. When I was first married, my wife and I had way more arguements than we do now and I think this is the reason. At first it was a competition, I wanted her to accept the truth for the simple reason that it was true and I never cared about communicating (I always knew the facts). I realized that it doesn’t matter if she acknowledges the truth or not, it still isn’t fulfilling because one of us will be wrong and “loose” the competition. Worse is that it closes the cooperative communication and with copperative communication you either win together or loose together but you become better teamates for it. If you keep a cooperative communication open then the truth will come out regardless of timing. When the truth does come out, it is much easier for both parties to accept if you haven’t competed over it. I’ve learned that not competing with my wife makes our relationship better and my life much easier and my wife has learned not to play games of any kind with me.
Sep 29, 2010
I believe that is important to utilize the best of each. Overall we want to be cooperative with each other but at the same time your son should debate his points. As long as ego does not overpower the conversation, it allows for each person to speak their mind while respecting each others opinions. In other words, if Max just “cooperates” with the situation, he never gets his points across, but if he can stay calm and listen to what you have to say and then speak his mind while you listen there can be a great cooperative conversation. In the long run both people will be happy with each other and a deeper respect can be gained.
Sep 29, 2010
I have noticed that sometimes my conversations that I have had with some people have been competitive, but these are with people I really do not know too well or do not plan on having a long term relationship with. I am not saying that this is okay, but the people I care about in my life we do have cooperative communication between us and that is why they are good friends of mine. Competitive communication though seems like a huge waste of time for me because nothing productive comes out of these conversations.
Sep 29, 2010
The majority of people want to be right when arguing with another person. I also believe the situation and who you are arguing with plays a role in how you deal with cooperative/competitive communication. Cooperative communication helps build a relationship with another person, it makes for a healthy relationship because there is a middle ground and somewhere to build off of. It’s like a help me help you kind of deal. Competitive communication is like a one way street, it’s either their way or your way, and whoever doesn’t get their way, could affect how they feel about the person. The relationship wouldn’t be completely tarnished but there might be some trust issues, and they will always want to prove you wrong. With this, I think having a good relationship with another person is more important than being right.
Sep 29, 2010
I would like to think that I am always right, wouldn’t we all? However after learning about cooperative vs. competitve conversations I took a step back and thought about this statement. Any conversation that you have with someone whether it be a boyfriend, a coach, a friend, or a family member, should be looked at in a cooperative way, you will get much further and learn a little about what each of you is feeling or thinking. Why be competitive in an area that needs no competition? A fight with a loved one shouldn’t be about who is right and who is wrong, but about how we can fix the problem from happening again and you only get to that stage by using cooperative communication.
Sep 30, 2010
i agree with what nicole has to say and what corey stated. Sometimes it depends on the relationship. Obviously, if you are arguing with someone you just met and dont like, then you will try your hardest to prove that they are wrong. In this situation, choosing compromise is the better choice because you are dealing with family and a person that will be in your life for as long as your alive. I agree with corey in that we never know who is right. Usually the person who can persuade the other person that their way is better is termed right. I also agree that by compromising you can share ideas from both parties and settle the situation faster and not have both people upset becuase one of them is wrong
Sep 30, 2010
Most of the time when it comes to arguments I always use competitive communication. It may not be the right way to communicate your idea and that is why I think it is best to use cooperative from now on. You will move forward with cooperative communication and hopefully not end up in a full on argument like with competitive. It leaves people happier at the end of confrontation and helps with future ones as well.
Sep 30, 2010
This is a tricky question. I believe there are certain times for competitive conversations when I need/should take initiative and there are other times when it is best to be cooperative. I would say depending on the person I am having a conversation with may depend if my side of the conversation is competitive or cooperative because I simply may not care too much about the relationship I have with whoever the person is that I am speaking with. In most cases however, I would say that I am going to communicate with other individuals in a cooperative way. I am just a nice guy and I do not like to stir up arguments or be in arguments. If another person is really going to put all the effort forward to “winning” a conversation to establish his/her dominance and make me feel bad then go for it. I’m not going to waste my time to strain the relationship and stress about it. They can have their little piece of short-term glory. But it all depends on the situation, topic, and who I am speaking with. Then again, what if Dr. G asking Max if he would rather have a cooperative or competitive conversation is really just a way for Dr. G to win and get his point across, only in a subtle and sneaky way. Just saying.
Sep 30, 2010
I never thought about having a competitive, or cooperative conversation. Now that I think about this concept would have saved a lot of my relationships with family and friends. I notice when i do have an argument with someone we each are trying to prove why we are right instead of discussing the situation and looking at it for what it is. It is best to have a good relationship than trying to prove yourself to be right. Because in the end having a healthy relationship is better than having the self gratification of knowing you are right.
Sep 30, 2010
I think it is fairly obvious that cooperative communication is more effective in building and maintaining healthy relationships. In order communicate cooperatively it is important that both participants respect each others thoughts and/or beliefs. I agree with James and others when they say that it depends on the situation. If you don’t respect someone or their ideas it is difficult to take them into your consideration and to cooperate.
Sep 30, 2010
sometimes/most of the time people get so caught up in the idea and emotions of just wanting to able to have the last word, and feel like the bigger person but in the end they are the ones who feel wrong because of the way they had to react to have the last word. wanting to be right all the time can be tiring and can lead to a lot of people avoiding conversations with you. when i was growing this was how most of my conversations with my dad went, we both always wanted to be right. it wasnt till recently that i was able to have cooperative conversations with him. we were both tired of waisting our time wanting to be right all the time so we were able to move forward out of our comfort zone…. fed the good dog. so i agree with dominique with that every conversation should be a cooperative one, why compete when its not a competitive situation??
Sep 30, 2010
Cooperative communication is only possible if individuals in the relationship put aside their ego. I guess it is human nature to be competitive and to always want to be “right” or to win. I know from experience that it’s hard to admit to being wrong, but as Dr. G stated, is it more important to win, or to create a long term health of the relationship? I have realized that in some situations I have been hot headed and wanted to win battles, but just being aware of my attitude and how I approach certain situations and arguments has allowed me to build better relationships. My emotion and ego can sometimes work against me in certain situations, but by checking myself and attitude on a daily basis allows me to create cooperation rather than competition.
Sep 30, 2010
I believe it depends in the situation you are in. If you are in the situation that Dr. G. was then the best solution is to cooperate and try to achieve a better solution.
In the other hand if you are in a competitive situation or environment like Marketing then competing to show that you are right is not a bad solution.
Sep 30, 2010
I think that cooperative communication is the best to keep any healthy relationship going. However, competitive communication can pop into a conversation without even meaning to. The other person may take what the other said in a wrong way and then it goes from there. So although cooperative is the best way, that is not always the case. The other person may be set in their ways and not even know it.
Sep 30, 2010
The question of whether or not an individual want to have a competitive or a cooperative conversation is one that I have not considered much. I am a very competitive person and so when I get into an argument, I think I often take the side of wanting to “win”. However, the more I think about it when you have a competitive conversation no one really “wins”. You do not gain any knowledge or resolve the situation because you are too concerned with what you think to be right that you never take the time to listen to what the other person has to say. Also, the relationship, like was said in the article, can struggle from the constant competitive conversations.
Sep 30, 2010
This is something that is very important in a relationship. It’s something I need to work on. It’s hard with my competitive nature, I always want to win. Ive been working on it, but it’s just something I’ve done forever. I do think it is more important though to be cooperative in communication, especially to help the relationship grow and be able to last. Competitve communication wil eventually tear a relationship apart, which I have finally come to learn.
Sep 30, 2010
I actually wish that I had read this blog last night. Last night I spent a good hour arguing with my beat friend over nothing. We both were trying to prove to each other that are opinion was right and we got no where. In the end we just ended up getting even more mad each other. After reading this I apologized and actually read her yhr blog and we both realized how dumb we were being. Lifes to short to get mad at the people you love. I’m definetly going to consider this the next time I get into a dumb fight.
Sep 30, 2010
This concept is one that I struggle with on a daily basis. Historically, I am stubborn as a mule and will argue almost any point if I beleive that I am in the right. But, to be honest, I never really thought about how arguing for the sake of arguement might be harming my relationships. Taking a step back, I can understand how in most cases, being right is not necessarily worth it when it forms a rift between two people. The only exception that I can think of are the arguments I have with my brother, in which we will stay with a point like a Captain on a sinking ship. Sometimes this can lead to hurt feelings or even a full on fight, but in the long run, I beleive our relationship is stronger.
Sep 30, 2010
I think that in the long run its good to have a cooperative conversation because in return it will be easier to talk to him once he get older. But I think in the lifes we live people usually have a competitive conversation. We are always trying to push our views on people. And the funny thing is that if we would sit back and listen to each other that our views are almost the same. And another thing that if more of us had cooperative conversation things would get done faster. It boils down that it is pointless to argue with people because in most times nothing gets done.
Sep 30, 2010
I think that in the long run cooperative conversation is good to keep a relasionships healthy. When people argue nothing really gets solved. It seems that when people have a competive conversation they just talk to each other in circles. But the funny thing is that if they took the time to listen to each other they would relaize in most cases they have some of the same views.
Sep 30, 2010
This is a problem I have with many of my firneds. Nobody ever seems to want to admit they are wrong…ever! I sometimes have this issue with myself, but as of late I try to admit when I am wrong in order to grow.
Sep 30, 2010
I wish I would have read this two weeks ago. There is a person in my life who I do care about and this kind of situation happened. In the negative way. Something that should have been easily communicated turned into a a I’m right and your wrong on both sides. Like Trevor said some conversations can become competitive.
Sep 30, 2010
This concept of cooperative or competative communication has changed my relationship with my boyfriend and others. During disagreements with my boyfriend, I ALWAYS think about the overall goal. If the goal is to compete, one must reevaluate being in the relationship. To be cooperative and to progress the relationship is so much more beneficial than being competative.
Oct 05, 2010
Competition comes natural to human beings, even when it comes to communication. People always want to be right and don’t like to admit when they are wrong. Arguments are going to happen, some longer than others depending on the willingness to cooperate and agree with one another. Once one or both people in a relationship come to a reasonable agreement the competition is out of the question and they can move on. Personally, relationships I’ve been in and are no longer a part of ended because of the fact that one of us needed to be right and were never willing to come to an agreement.